cross cultural communication


WordPress tells me that it has been over three months since I last posted. I have been busy and in another transitional period with the Texas-Virginia move, so I haven’t felt like blogging.  I am just waiting right now for my pressure cooker lid to fall in, so I will try to write a post now as I sit in wait.

I didn’t feel much like blogging last year when we were getting ready to leave Dubai. Subhanallah, it has been well over a year that I have been back in the US. My husband left Texas for the DC area to start his new job in late June, and my daughters and I followed him in August. We would have joined him sooner, but we had to wait for the apartment we had selected to be ready. So, I got more play time with my family in Texas, alhamdulillah.

Now, I am in Novastan. I quite like it here, alhamdulillah. There is a huge and diverse Muslim community here. It is A LOT easier to be in public in hijab here, thank God. In Austin it was very challenging due to all of the stares. Here, there are many hijab wearing women everywhere, and they seem to be working in major stores like Walmart, Target, the grocery stores, and all. So it is a regular sight here and not something that draws too much attention. In Austin, it was also hard to go out with my parents because people would stare even harder at our interfaith family as if to say “Oh my, golly garsh, I would be so embarrassed if my daughter ever went and married one of them men and came home to me wearing that thing on her head…” but then again, maybe that is all in my own head and no one was really thinking that at all. Stares and visible discomfort, though mostly stiff uncomfortable friendliness and politeness, were a common reaction to me.  My whole family is great about it and it never bothered a single one of them at all to be out with me in public (well, except for my 90 year old grandmother, but hey, she’s 90 mashallah), and I realize that I am lucky that way because I have other friends who really get hell from their own relatives about hijab.

So, out here in Novastan I have a lot of options for Muslim worship, including a more progressive oriented community, which is refreshing coming from the Arabian Gulf where in order to be considered “religious,” you have to wear all black and cover everything but just one eye to see the way and pray in the darkest corner of your house. Any inclination to pray at mosques in a mixed gender musallah where you could actually SEE the imam or khateeb, while indisputably the Sunnah arrangement of a mosque, was just unthinkable. But here I have it much better. One of the many reasons I like being a practicing Muslim better in North America than in the Arabian Gulf.

There are also a lot of other things I like here: greenery (I like walking on trails), Muslim mommy meet ups, Hindi/Urdu language practice groups, and…I have an Andhra style dosa place right outside of our apartment complex where I can go and get my dosa fix. No, it isn’t my precious Saravana Bhavan by Lamcy Plaza, but it is crispy (though a bit oily), spicy, and good. Actually, my apartment complex is filled with Telugu speaking people. All my neighbors above and below are from Andhra/Telengana. It seems that there is quite a large Andhra community here. I should learn Telugu.

I also met a Sindhi Auntie who is visiting her daughter from Pune for a few months here in my apartment complex, and who I chit chat with while her grandchildren and my kids play on the apartment complex playground. She brought me a sample of some kind of Maharashtrian fresh green chile and garlic chutney that she made the other day. This place is really starting to feel like Dubai, all Indian neighbors and aunties bringing me samples of delicious things to eat!  I also met a white Australian lady who is married to a Bengali. She is a Hindu convert and she introduced herself with a Sanskrit name, and even though we have chosen different paths I feel we have quite a bit in common as someone who has changed my name to Fatima. When I talk to her about my life and travels, I don’t have to explain every single thing to her. Interestingly, she has a brother who converted to Islam. He is married to a Malay lady. For some reason, a lot of Western male converts seem to be married to Malay or Indonesian women, I have noticed. Last, I met an  Andhra lady from Hyderabad who is very nice to talk to. She told me “Oh, I have lots of Muslim friends back home, and when I talk to them,” …she points to the group of Andhra aunties standing nearby in a circle next to the play area… “they say, your Telugu is half Urdu!” I peeked at some online Telugu learning resources out of curiosity, and I saw that there were a lot of Sanskrit as well as Persio-Arabic words in it, so although it was Greek to me, I could pick out some words I recognized from the sample sentences…so I guess Hyderabadi Telugu is very Urdu-influenced??? She also told me her roommate in college was a girl named Ayesha who is still her best friend. I get it, she has to show me that she is friendly with Muslims and doesn’t have any issues with making a friendship with me. I held back from telling her the same thing back-”Oh, in Dubai I had sooo many Hindu friends, I lurve pure vegetarians and they lurve me back, yippee! Some of my best friends are…blah blah blah.” I did tell her that my husband has relatives living in Hyderabad and he has been there before, but let my actions and personality let her know that I am totally open to friendships with anyone and everyone. Anyway, I am an American, not an Indian Muslim, so I don’t count when it comes to these sensitive issues, and I have the option to brush this stuff off. She is very nice though and we have good conversations. I am thinking about asking her to take exercise walks with me, since she seems like she might be game. I walked almost every day for the whole year in Texas, but sadly have only been out walking one single time here.

We have settled into are apartment nicely, and we are just missing some pieces of furniture and some things that will finally make our new home complete, but mostly everything is set up. I still have to take care of some special vehicle registration stuff and get new license plates. I did get a new driving license, so one thing down, two more to go!

Well, *pop* there goes the lid to my handy old pressure cooker. Off I must run!

I posted an older version of this on a now defunct blog several years ago. I thought I’d repost it here because it is always a useful topic.  If you are interested in learning another language, I hope you find this helpful.

1. The key is motivation. Learning a language as an adult is hard. You must make a commitment to study and practice and allow your motivation to help you work past hurdles. Motivation in language learning comes from many sources. Many people learn a language because it’s a school requirement, an asset to finding a good job, or because they have some kind of religious, cultural, or personal interest in the speech community which uses the language. There are many reasons to learn a language. What is your reason for learning the language, and how can you use your reason to motivate yourself?

2. Recognize how you intend to use the target language. Are you going to write a PhD thesis in this language? Do you just want to communicate with people? How high do you need your level of understanding to be and in what context do you plan to communicate? If you don’t care about understanding news broadcasts or literature, and you just want to chat with people or go shopping in a foreign language, what level will you need to do that? What type of vocabulary will you need? Of course it is ideal if you can learn to read and write in the foreign language’s script, and I highly recommend learning the script, but don’t bother if you don’t have time and if reading and writing in the foreign script don’t serve your language learning purposes. (However, I’d still recommend that you practice the language by doing exercises and writing in a transliterated version of the script, and seeking out transliterated readings.)

3. Find suitable language learning tools. Choose a book, website, or software that has easy, clear grammar explanations and vocabulary organized in a systematic way. For example, some books have vocabulary divided into semantic categories like “at the shop” and “visiting a friend’s house” or “in the kitchen.” Other books just give vocabulary randomly as it arises in each lesson. Some books use a lot of grammar terminology: subjects, prepositions, gerunds, and preterite tense. Does that suit your learning style or confuse you? You may like one book’s method over another. Choose the tool that works for you. Stocking your shelf so that it looks like a language institute won’t help either. It is better to limit yourself to a couple of good books.

4. Focus on all four language skills and use them together. Make sure you get adequate practice in all areas; combine reading, writing, listening, and speaking tasks. Even if you don’t learn to read and write in the script of the target language, don’t discount reading and writing altogether because it can help you learn. You can read transliterated texts in many language books (like the Teach Yourself and the Colloquial series), and you can write small paragraphs using English transliteration to represent the sounds. You must also get listening comprehension and speaking practice from movies, shows, and possibly friends. If you use other materials to supplement the book or software you select, then choose materials that use the skills at your level or slightly above. Don’t choose anything too hard or you will get discouraged. Materials that are too easy will bore you. Also, your competency in each skill area will vary. You may understand (listen) better than you can speak. You may speak better than you can comprehend reading texts. This is normal. To really improve, sometimes you have to work on your weakest skill. In the beginning, just get through the first units in your book of choice, and then proceed from there.

5. Lose your ego. Be ready to practice even though you will feel like you are making a fool of yourself. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes or sounding silly. Very articulate people are reduced to sounding like simpletons in a new language. It is like crawling before walking, and you just have to accept that. Don’t be shy. Especially if your goal is basic communication, not writing a doctoral thesis. Some people will laugh at you, but most will be appreciative and even impressed by your efforts.

6. Make a plan and execute it. You won’t learn a language without putting in effort. You have to set aside time to study. It is like exercising. You have to have a scheduled time for it. At least three times per week should be good, but daily is better. The very early stages of language learning involve a lot of memorization. You have to commit yourself to that if you want to get ahead.

7. Live and breath the language. Try to get interested in the culture of the target language. This helps motivation, too. Hundreds of thousands of students around the world study English and are not particularly interested in the cultures of native English speaking countries. These students will probably never need to interact with native English speakers, and are studying English due to its current position as a global language or lingua franca, and its usefulness in various fields on an international level. I am not saying that taking an interest in the culture where the target language is spoken is necessary. However, it does help to increase motivation. In addition, gaining an understanding of the culture where the target language is spoken will aid in attaining sociolinguistic competence in the language. A language is more than just words. One should, for example,  know how and when to say things, understand how politeness and formality works in different languages, and have an idea of what topics are culturally inappropriate or taboo. All of this is part of gaining competence in another language just as much as grammar. So it is useful to take an interest in the culture where a language is spoken.

8. Recognize that language learning is a slow and tedious process. Be realistic. Don’t beat yourself up for not learning the language very quickly. Adults cannot learn languages very rapidly. It is a scientific fact. First, you have to build a vocabulary base and know basic grammatical structure and use that for rudimentary communication practice. You will plug the vocabulary into the structure for practice. But it will take years to get really good. A fast learner who has a high language learning aptitude can pick up enough of a language to communicate basic needs very quickly, especially when immersed in a setting where the language is spoken, but it would still take a person of high language learning aptitude a couple of years of dedicated study to become truly fluent. (And for adults, does 100% fluency ever occur? Language learning is really a never ending process for the non-native speaker because there will always be contexts in which one will encounter something new to learn.) You may not have  a high language learning aptitude. If you are a slow learner, it could take a long time to become comfortable with using even basic structures in the target language. That is okay. Take your time. (And remember to lose your ego and accept that you will make mistakes.) You will achieve your goals if you are realistic about how lengthy a process language learning truly is.

9. Practice, practice, and do more practice. Do readings, listenings, study grammar, make flashcards for vocabulary. Stick vocabulary labels around the house. Speak to anyone who will talk with you. Be active and take control of the language learning process. The more work you do, the better results you will see. In terms of applied study, focusing on a foreign language can be a bit like exercising at the gym. You have to have to designate time slots during your week to studying, and follow through. Relating to point #6, can you spend 20-30 minutes on Thursday and Sunday evening reading a short text, going over a grammar point, or doing an online exercise in the target language? Can you set a bi-weekly hour dedicated to watching a broadcast in the language? Just like one would supplement the attainment of weight loss goals by going to the gym and parking the car further away from the shops to get in extra walking, what additional  actions can you take to incorporate more of the language into your life so that you get more practice and exposure? Is it possible to listen to radio broadcasts of your target language in the car or online? Do you have a person who is willing to practice with you? Be opportunistic by making the most of any presence of the target language in your environment in order to get practice.

My Spanish has gotten a lot better since I’ve been back in Texas. I never lost the ability to understand, but I was having a hard time communicating everything I wanted to say at first. I used to speak fairly fluently when I was younger, so it was frustrating to feel so clumsy when speaking. When I first came back, I was talking to a lady and she told me that her mother got attacked by bees. I could understand everything she was saying, that her mother (who lives back in her home country) was going out from a beach house towards the sea and went into a little cabana and disturbed a hive and suddenly the bees swarmed her and there was a pool nearby so she jumped in the pool and the bees kept on attacking her when she would come up for air. Her poor mother was hospitalized and kept developing bumps on her skin for weeks after the attack because the bee venom was coming out of her system through her skin. Her mother is elderly and it was a very traumatic experience for her to say the least. Anyhow, so the lady is telling me this, and I am listening and stunned by the terrible story, but I was unable to articulate anything appropriate to say back to her. Obviously it was a sensitive situation and all I could muster was “Oh, that’s terrible.” “Oh, and how is she now?” I talked to this other friend and told her that while the lady was telling me the story, I was just shaking my head up and down and couldn’t think of anything to say. My friend told me that when she came to the US she noticed that when English speakers had conversations with her, they always interjected to show that they were listening and following along. She says that in Mexico people don’t interrupt as much. I was like, okay, if that is the case, then that’s good for me so that I can think of something useful to say if someone is telling me something sensitive about a problem or ill health or whatever. Anyway, I still make a lot of mistakes when I speak, but I have a very good (Mexican!) accent and I feel a lot more comfortable communicating now. Recently, a neighbor was telling me that she had been married three times and that people were always shocked by that, but it wasn’t her fault. Her first husband turned out to be gay. Oh, I had A LOT to say about that situation! Women always suffer so much! I feel sorry for him, too because he probably didn’t want to acknowledge his feelings or didn’t understand them or just wanted to conform to avoid prejudice, but your life was ruined due to all of this. I just blabbed on en español like a motormouth. Anyway, her second husband had some emotional problems and became physically abusive, so she left him. But she has been married to #3 for nearly a decade and he is a great guy. So good for her.

Where I live, Spanish is very useful. As a teen, when I worked in food shops, customers would just start out speaking in Spanish sometimes, never asking if I could understand or not. Now, even with hijab on, people sometimes still start out in Spanish with me or comfortably switch to Spanish with me without asking about my hijab or acting like it is weird if I switch into Spanish (I only switch if I notice that their English is far worse than my Spanish, just to facilitate ease in the communication). Once, in the Walmart, I asked an employee where the shampoo was. She looked at me and I could see her eyes on my hijab, but she just said to me in Spanish “Over there near to the pharmacy.” Sometimes, I can understand people who are talking about me in Spanish. Once these two ladies were standing near to me and said that I looked like a nun and started laughing. At one of the taco trucks near to my house, the owner has called me Mother Superior because of my headscarf, ribbing me in that Mexican Uncle sort of teasing way.

Sometimes people do ask about my origins and my religion. “No, I am not Mexican, I am Anglo. I just speak Spanish cuz I grew up here, I did study it in high school also. Why am I wearing this? Oh, because I am a Muslim and it is in our faith. No, my husband isn’t Arab, he is Pakistani. No, well, I converted out of conviction, not for my husband. I was a Muslim before I met my husband.” That’s how it goes. I have had a lot of hispanohablantes ask me much more sophisticated questions about my faith than the English speaking strangers do, for whatever reason. Mostly other Anglos stick to hijab questions. I have tried to analyze why that might be, but haven’t come to any conclusion.

In addition to talking to people, I have been watching Spanish language TV (A guilty pleasure is Caso Cerrado) and also reading Spanish language magazines which I pick up in the check out aisle at the grocery store. I usually go for People En Español, but once I got this cheap tabloid magazine and in the back of it there were ads for psychics and healers and you will never guess what I saw. Among the pictures of Indigenous or Afro-Latino curanderos, there were ads that contained pictures of Sultan Qaboos (the ruler of Oman) and Madhuri Dixit (famous Indian actress). Since they look exotic, Gypsy, Eastern, or whatever, someone had just probably taken them from the internet and put them in their cheesy ads!

Anyway, it is good to be home and to slip back into the Texan life with our diverse population and bilingual English/Spanish atmosphere.

It is gonna be American Thanksgiving on Thursday and then Eid on Friday, Inshallah. Usually we have people over for Thanksgiving, but this year I haven’t bothered to invite anyone. I still want to cook for Thanksgiving, though.  And then the next day is Eid. So this coincidence could potentially make for way too much cooking. Even though I have not invited anyone over for Eid, and we don’t know anyone well enough for any Eid milan unannounced but expected popover stuff.

I am just cooking because I am imposing on myself a pressure to play a role of wife cum-family cook who produces holiday meals. My husband could care less and would just as well enjoy ordering a pizza. And my kids are way too small to care. So it is all me. All in my head.

I don’t want to invite anyone for Thanksgiving. I just don’t feel like it. I know that’s bad. I am getting so anti-social. We get these huge turkeys over here and every year I end up freezing a bunch of leftovers even when we do have guests. So this year I bought a fresh leg-thigh piece. It is still pretty huge. And I have no clue how to cook this thing. I was thinking of pan searing it in butter and then baking it. But for how long? Maybe 45 mins to an hour? I just don’t know. I will have to research. I hope I don’t screw the dang thing up. But you see, I MUST cook turkey. Even if it just a piece of the bird. It is a compulsion.

And then the next day is Eid. Once again, I am being a recluse and have invited no one. And no one has invited us. That is how it is in Dubai. We may go all dressed up in our Eid finery to the Global Village or to a mall. So sad, I know. At least on Eid day 2 we are invited to a one-dish party. I plan to do dam ka queema. But for day 1 I am tempted not to cook anything. Yet I feel I should just to go through the motions. Isn’t that so silly? I will probably end up preparing my husband’s family recipe for qabuli pullao. I should make a sweet dish but actually no one will eat much of it but me. My husband isn’t too crazy about desi sweets so if I make muzaffar or kheer or sheer qorma or whatever he will have one tiny bowl and I will end up eating the rest of it, a bowl here and there a few times per day over the next few days, loading up on ghee, sugar and thickened milk fat calories. No thanks. I write this now. But watch me cave in and make a sweet dish anyway. The qabuli pullao we will eat for lunch. And then we will probably end up having some Eid dinner out at, perhaps at the Global Village at Kausar Pakistani resto. Or if we are at the mall it may be…gasp…Chili’s. Chili’s for Eid dinner? Oh, scoff away but I promise every Chili’s location will be packed and there will be a 25 minute wait for a table. And I will have a fajita salad and my husband will have a burger. Eid in Dubai. Hmmm. Last Eid, I did make a biriani for lunch and then I believe at 10 pm that evening we were at the mall and had Hardee’s burgers.

Anyway, I could invite. But I just don’t feel like it. Some people love entertaining, but I find it stressful. Especially cross-cultural entertaining where I have my American “help yourself, make yourself at home” type thinking and a lot of people here have the “you are my guest so let me attend to you ever so well ” style. I am just not up to playing hostess right now, I guess. 

Somehow I don’t want to play hostess, but I want to play chef. Sigh. I know.  Just go ahead and order that pizza.

There are just some things in Urdu/Hindi that I will never get. Sadly, many of them I won’t even notice because they are layered cultural references or belong to specific regional accents, and I don’t even catch them. So they are lost on me. Sometimes in a foreign language there is what you understand and there is what people are really saying…and you as a non-native speaker cannot judge the discrepancy between the two. This happens due to a simple lack of acuity with second language listening comprehension skills related to level and proficiency, but also due missed to cultural cues. Other times, you catch the cue and realize there is some deeper meaning at work, but don’t get the reference as a cultural oustider. Some cultural references crop up again and again. But I never ask about them or google them because it would be awkward to stop a group of people in the midst of their chuckle filled conversation just to ask “Who is Mugambo?” “Mugambo KYON itna khush hua?” And in my busy day filled with sporadic net surfing, the name Mugambo never pops into my brain. And so I don’t remember Mugambo until someone mentions this mysterious name again!

Still, I start to paste pictures together. Light bulbs go off months after I hear an expression or cultural reference because its meaning finally becomes clear to me by some uncanny incident or occurence. A realization sinks in. Silently, I will affirm to myself: “Oh, so that’s why he said so-and-so looks like a Pashtoon film star in that outfit.” “Ah hah! So this is a mutiar!” I will know where someone is from when they say “Mereko udhar-ich mila.”

I become ‘in  the know’ in that ungainly way of a non-native speaker. It would be too silly for me to use such expressions myself…I would feel disingenuous. I am too much of an “FOB” so to speak. I would be like the guy who says “That is a sucks, yaar!” Instead of “that sucks.” How long would my husband have to live in Texas to be able to say y’all? My New York dialect speaking parents don’t say y’all after 30 years in Texas. Can a des-raised Pakistani say y’all if he has Pakistani-accented English? Is that okay? Does it sound phony? Do you see what I mean? Maybe my husband will love the Texan accent and go Southern all the way when we move there. Yee-haw.  He has a des-raised cousin in another Southern American state who has a very interesting convent educated Pakistani English-small town Southern American English accent combo. I think he says y’all.  Anyway, I still don’t feel proficient enough to actually use such references or special expressions unless there is some humor in the fact that a foreigner is saying them (maiN teri aisi ki taisi kar doongi!!!), but at at least I will know what the heck the references mean.

And so I keep building my repertoire.

Guess what? There is a blog post that explains  Mugambo! If only I had known before. But then I feel sheepish, googling up Mugambo, watching Mugambo youtube videos, just so next time I will ‘get it’ when someone says “Mugambo khush hua.”

1. Inshallah we will be off to Amreeka soon. My mom is buying a new car and she will keep her old car while we visit so I will have my own personal wheels! I am really excited about that!

2. I must remember to say gilaas, not cup! A cup is not a gilaas. Otherwise no one understands me. And I must say Der and Dhai. Because saaRe ek nahin hota, and no saaRe do! But yes saaRe teen. See? So confusing!  I usually stop myself before saying saaRe ek. But occasionally one slips, even after all of these years. That is called first language interference plus mommy brain. Soon in Amreeka I will be able to say 1.5, 2.5, and cup all I want. Cup cup cup in a cup. Cup da baap cup da baccha! I love cups!

3. My bro who is closest to me in age is getting married in late July, Inshallah. I haven’t been to a non-desi co-ed wedding in a long time. So all my fancy clothes are either shalwar qameezes for desi weddings or prom gowns for Arab weddings. I had a hard time hunting for something long sleeved, leg covering that I could wear to bro’s wedding that was formal-ish. My hometown is pretty casual and not at all fashion forward, so I had some flexibility.  All the formal stuff over here looked so boxy or fru-fru. I ended up with a white cotton blouse and white and blue skirt from the Gap. The Gap used to be only for long skinny people but it seems in the past few years they have also catered to short stocky people like myself. So I like them a lot more now. I am very happy that I have I finally found and outfit! Now I can just relax and enjoy the wedding stuff. It will be a family reunion when I get to Amreeka.

4. Is it El Ninyo again? Someone told me that. Cuz I heard it’s like 105 in Texas. And well, it is about the same here. So I ain’t escaping nothing over there. I was hoping to. Inshallah it will rain when I am there. I will be disappointed if it doesn’t rain. Because it only rains a few times a year in the Gulf. And I miss the rain. Like the deserts miss the rain. I want to smell the grass right after it rains, and maybe see a rainbow.

5. I have another ladies’ lunch at the Award Winning cooking teacher’s house. Last time I wanted to take something Amreekan to represent, but I chickened out and made channa pullao and baingan ka raita because I couldn’t think of any thing Amreekan to take since my dish had to be vegetarian and impressive. They really liked the channa pullao and baingan ka raita and some people even e-mailed me for the recipe and the Star Chef asked for the raita recipe! I felt so happy! But now I really want to do something Amreekan. This time I am gonna make vegetarian polenta bolognaise! It is like say, Italian American. Well, it doesn’t really matter if it isn’t truly Amreekan because the hostess cannot even remember where I am from anyway. She keeps telling people that I am from London. To her it’s all the same! I have it all planned out! Yummy, butter laden, cheesy, bechamel sauce topped veg. polenta bolognaise!

6. My favorite dosa spot, Saravana Bhavan (say that fast three times in a row) opened next to my favorite shopping center Lamcy Plaza. Before I had to go to the one in Karama or the one in Bur Dubai near to Bank of Baroda bazaar…both special trips for me, though I thought of some excuse to get near there and get a dosa when I could. But now I can go and enjoy my favorite onion rava sada (say that fast three times in a row) whenever I want because Lamcy is my second home. And the Bombay Chowpatty in the food court has good dosas, but let me tell you that Saravana Bhavan has crazy mad delicious eat your fingers dosas and their other items are fabulicious, too! So, let’s just say that they are gonna be seeing me a lot over there at the Saravana Bhavan Lamcy branch.

7. Baby is teething. She already has two teeth, mashallah. She is mashallah good tempered, but the teething has her waking at night a bit. Subhanallah the night waking has started as my school year has ended so I can sleep in with her a little bit. Otherwise I would be dead tired all day and a walking zombie. Poor thing. I know her gums are all itchy. It is hard being a widdle baby!

For Brooke’s Carnival of White Privilege and The Ummah:

This is just a collection of my reflections. A lot of it is just observations or thoughts I had from watching myself or people around me, and also from reading some other carnival posts or their respective comments and reflecting a bit. A lot of it comes from just taking basic anti-racism rhetoric about white privilege and adding a white Muslim convert twist to it. So here you have it.

1. White Western Muslims are highly valued in Muslim communities. Yep, I know we face flack, too. We do talk about that a lot, don’t we? I am not talking about the downside here though. I am talking simply about white privilege and the Ummah. We are valued above converts of color, for sure. And although our presence may be of trivial value in the big picture of our personal Muslim communities, we are often selected to be the faces of these communities in the public sphere. In other words, highly public representatives of our community, motivational speakers, organization leaders and so forth are often white, while our communities are mostly of color. We are valued because of White Supremacist structures that say White is Right, so if a White Person chooses Islam as Right, it validates Islam. It means Islam is Right. I know Islam can stand on its own with no validation. But The Ummah has been under stress from The West for a long time, making Muslims weak and in need of self-validation sometimes. And this is a world in which everything Powerful and everything deemed as modern and good is driven by white people. Where is the best science, medicine, technology, popular culture like movies, music, fashion, trends, etc. coming from? It is from Whiteness due to a white supremacist global hegemony that has persisted since white colonialism in and on top of nations of people of color, including in Muslim lands. That is why we are trophy converts. When we are taken as trophy converts, our mere presence confirms White Supremacy by legitimizing Islam with White Approval for native Muslims, especially during times when Islam is under suspicion or attack.
2. We bring all of the previous benefits of whiteness that we have accumulated before Islam with us on our journey as Muslims. This point here is paramount to how we still benefit from white privilege though we may be very cut off from mainstream white societies. Even if we grew up dirt poor, ate free lunch at school, dad was in prison, mom was an alcoholic, dropped out of high school, dealt drugs…whatever our back story is…whiteness benefits us whites beyond class because of the White Supremacist system. Because of white privilege, we have doors opened for us that might never open for people of color who share our economic class. If we are upper middle class or elite, those cumulative benefits do not disappear when we become Muslim because they made us who we are today. That is part of what having white privilege means. It is what the Knap Sack is about…the fact that our World as We Know It was designed by and for white people, even poor ones. And those designed benefits are a boost propping us up even when we enter the Other category as Muslims. Even as we face prejudice as Muslims from broader non-Muslim and white society, a big sack of white privilege follows us into the Muslim community when we take our Shahadahs. While we face the social downsides of being white converts, of which there are many, we are still boosted by white privilege in other ways.
3. The way individual white Western Muslims interact with The Exotic Other Muslim majority cultures (South Asian, Arab, African, South East Asian, whatever the Other may be) often reeks of white privilege. Sometimes it is so bad, it seems like we are colonial madams and sirs on some safari. White Muslims are frequently in spaces where we are exposed to ‘foreign’ and ‘exotic’ cultures. Our white privilege permeates the way we interact with native Muslims. We get to know these cultures, analyze them, marry into them, pick up cultural habits from our native co-religionists. Still, we so often don’t fully respect these cultures. We refuse to accept that Other people naturally differ from us simply because they are different. We feel that they differ from us because they and their ways are inferior. Often in narratives of the frustrations of dealing with “natives,” be they Sisters at the mosque, in-laws, or other community members, we whites cannot accept that people do things differently from us. The way They raise children is inferior to Our Way. They way They treat punctuality is inferior. They don’t value literacy as much as us. The Other women are manipulative. The Other men tell lies. They are disorganized. They lack critical thinking skills. Whites subconsciously bring in attitudes that White is Right and that Our Way is the Right Way. We have a very hard time accepting that people from other countries and cultures function just fine with the way They do things, different from Us as They may be. We overlook that there may be other factors at work in a situation than manipulation and lies. We are always so ready to criticize the Other. What we don’t see in our criticisms is that we position Their Way against Our (White) Way. With the White Way being the dominant Way in the global scheme of things, we perpetuate white supremacy. Our way of raising children (which is supported by Our globally dominant books and Our websites and Our family ways) is better than Theirs. Here is a thought: Our way works for Us, it is better for Us and Their Way works for Them. Let it be. And it is natural that if we are white and live in the spaces of communities of color, we will have people of color criticize our ways (say of something we do with our children…like I have been chastised by neighbors or in-laws for encouraging my toddler to feed herself when They hand feed children the same age as my toddler. I know very well that these personal criticisms sting!). But it is okay for us to keep our culture without putting down the culture of the Other. Isn’t that what true tolerance is about? It is important to resist getting stuck in the rut of constantly criticizing the Other because our white culture is dominant and privileged above their non-white cultures. In the end, we have the upper hand in that game because in the big picture White is Right.
4. We whites have tendencies to blame all of people’s faults on their culture and race, not on individuals, despite the fact that we claim to be colorblind and to see everyone as unique individuals. It is more like this: We see Ourselves and other whites as unique individuals, but we see native Muslims as part of Their cultures and blame any contentions we have with them on cultural deficits. This is a very deep issue with white privilege. It is something I struggle with myself as I live among people of color surrounded by people of several foreign cultures. But I have seen white Muslims descend into very racist thinking when coming into cultural conflict, even referring to all of the women in their husband of color’s culture as “manipulative bitches” and so forth. If that isn’t racist, then I don’t know what is.
5. We are still white and we still have white privilege after our Shahadah. This should be obvious, but many white Muslims seem to be delusional about this. Despite the fact that we become Other and separate from our mainstream white Western society, and that we can face severe discrimination, even threat of physical attack for being Muslims. We are STILL white. Even though when we wear hijab people do not “read us” as white, and mistake us for people of color. Strangers do treat us as people of color. Meaning non-Muslim strangers sometimes treat us badly. But with people who know us, being white is still a major factor in our interactions with others, just as it is for all whites, because of white privilege. As I say above, this impacts the way we interact with non-white native Muslims and converts of color. So we may become pariahs in larger white society. But we have our white speshul status among Muslims. It doesn’t matter if people of color say to you “You don’t act white,” “I never think of you as white,” “You are an honorary Arab,” “You are practically a Pakistani,” “You sound just like a Nigerian,” or whatever. We are still white.
6. White Muslims are just as bad as non-Muslim whites in both denying that we are white and down playing white privilege. We use the same tactics. All of my friends, my husband, and my children are people of color. I am Irish/Jewish/Italian so I faced prejudice before Islam, so I have less white privilege. I grew up poor in America so I am not really white. (This one is really bad because it aligns American people of color with poverty, and you can just guess which people the white Americans who say this have in mind when they create this alignment) There is no such thing as “white,” I hate labels, I don’t see race. It is The Muslims who make the Muslim community so racist. Immigrant Muslims are so racist, We are colorblind, and They are the racists. We basically fall back on the same lame excuses and deflections of white privilege that mainstream non-Muslim whites do when these discussions arise. Word for word.
7. Yes, I know a lot of native Muslims, either in Muslim countries or immigrant Muslims, are very openly racist. They are not politically correct. Whatever group it is, they think they are better than other groups and they often make comments about other groups as if their opinions were fact. They are shocked and think you are crazy if you point out their racism because they view their racist opinions as fact. “But such and such group IS miserly!” “But they really ARE dirty!” and so forth. Their home countries did not have a civil rights movement or a political correctness movement that altered the way that people talked publically about race, and it shows very often in the comments they make. In the American context, they also tend to filter, concentrate and repeat racist ideas that are part of American racism, such as dislike and fear of black Americans, thinking of Latinos as low class, etc. (and non-Americans get these stereotypes of Americans of color from the globally dominant American pop-culture) This is terrible, too, and very worth addressing. We as white Muslims enter these communities and become privy to these kinds of racist discussions. Well, it leads back to basic anti-racist principles: People of color do say racist things and are indeed prejudiced. But systematic, institutional, power bearing structured racism is White like Us. Though the native Muslim racism does have implications in immigrant mosques, and abroad very deeply in Muslim majority countries, the most powerful face of racism is still white. So it is simply more dangerous for whites to be racist. Not to mention that whatever racist hierarchies persist in the Muslim countries, or within immigrant communities whites are still on the top of the heap. When whites are in these spaces of people of color and hear the open racism spewed about, while in polite white Western society racism is very present but not so direct, whites tend to feel smug and superior to these Muslims because whites think “We are not the racists, They are so very racist.” I will reiterate that our communities in the Ummah have a lot of work to do on racism in general. But white Westerners are not better than them just because we generally use more politically correct language. And any white readers know that in the privacy of white spaces, anti-Jewish, anti-black, anti-Chinese, etc. racist stuff has been said overtly in front of us before at some point in our lives, too. So maybe whites are politically correct in polite company more than some immigrant Muslims of color, but privately white people can often  sound the same as if there were no such thing as political correctness invented as a concept. Another observation is that I have seen white Muslim converts intermarried with men of color who pick up an repeat some of the same prejudices that they get from their adopted communities. Where I live there is a hierarchy in which Arabs are above South Asians, and some white women married to Arabs feel superior to white women married to South Asians, for example. Or a white woman married to a Lebanese starts to dislike Egyptians because she hears Lebanese people talking crap about Egyptians. I have seen this. This is really sad because it means that despite being raised to be politically correct in polite society, we seem to pick up these racist habits without even recognizing it.
8. We can fall back on being white in times when being a visible Muslim is a threat. We can take off our hijabs and just go back to being white. I know a lot of Sisters who do this when they go home from a Muslim country to visit their families. It is too much of a struggle to face the world being “read” as a person of color, so we take the easy way out and remove our hijabs in our home countries. Now, a person of color can remove her hijab, too and she won’t be hated as a visible practicing Muslim anymore. But she will still face all of the other discrimination that is directed at whatever community of color to which she belongs. When we whites take off our hijabs, we blend right back into whiteness and get our knap sacks back on fully loaded as if their weight had never been slightly lessened by being a visible Muslim. That is a huge privilege. And I KNOW that most of us would not do that because of what hijab means to us and our faith…but since it theoretically could happen, the whole issue is laced with white privilege. That is irksome to Muslims of color who are conscious of issues of white privilege.

Our new housekeeper cum nanny is very nice, mashallah. She isn’t as well organized as A., the old housekeeper. But she is good with my girls, alhamdulillah. She is from Bangalore. Her family is native Urdu speaking from Karnataka (yes, there are native Urdu speakers in the South), but they have this kind of very different dialect so neither my husband and I can always understand what she is saying. I have spent more time with her, so I actually have to translate what she says for my husband sometimes.

Also, our old housekeeper A. and I were very bonded on food and cooking. We liked to eat a lot of the same things, and we shared recipes and talked about food a lot. A. had worked for a lot of different families. She was one of those people who always knew everything. She would surprise and impress me with the range of cuisines and dishes she knew. She knew West African foods, Korean foods, Japanese foods, Latin American foods as she worked for embassy families in New Delhi. She was one of those “culture vulture” people who liked learning about different people and especially their food, so she picked it all up. She also had worked for a Indians of various backgrounds, especially Punjabis. Based on her observations of my cooking, she said Punjabi (Sikh) food was like Pakistani food, lots of garam masala, and we use everything openly, open-heartedly, without miserlyness (translating what she would say from Hindi). We use lots of oil. That was how she assessed our food. She really liked it though. We would eat things and lick our fingers and moan, “oooh, this is so good.” She loved what I cooked and I loved what she cooked. We also both loved Chinese food. She was very open to trying new things.  She would experiment in the kitchen when I was at work while she would baby-sit. She made all kinds of interesting things. Things that she invented herself, like sweet potatoes seasoned and made into the shape of cupcakes, and all sorts of other things. She was a real foodie. She would cook whenever she was bored, pick up recipes from friends and neighbors, and watch food shows with me.

The new housekeeper isn’t into food. She is one of those people who says things like “Oops, I forgot to eat.” How can anyone forget to eat? I have some friends like that, too. They can skip a meal and not care. I get low blood sugar and start to have a melt down if I eat late. I just don’t get it. She doesn’t have a sweet-tooth at all, either.

She also hates our food. She thinks it is flavorless. She cooks her own foods for herself. She offered a taste to me a couple of times, but her level of spice is very very hot.  Like I might use a heaping tsp of red chile powder and 3 dried or fresh chiles in a dish. She will use 2 tablespoons of chile powder, plus 8 whole chiles. She also uses loads and loads of curry leaves and mustard seeds. I only use those in a few dishes. I do have a curry leaf plant, but my mustard seed supply probably lasts me a whole year. She also makes everything in the pressure cooker. Everything.

I ordered Chinese food once since she has been with us. She hated it. “What is this stuff? Dinner or dessert? This is sweet!” she complained. Also, our old housekeeper and I had fallen in love with the Gujarati cooking of our neighbors and started making some of their dishes. They always sent us snacks and samples of what they made if they made a special dish or made something they knew one of us liked. But the new housekeeper hates the Gujarati food. “Sweet, spicy, and sour all at the same time!” she complained with a grimace.

She usually makes veggies or daals for herself and eats whatever meat dish I cook with achaar or fresh green chilies on the side to up the heat. I also try to bring her vegetables that I assume she likes, like drum stick and stuff. When she first arrived, the old housekeeper and I asked her what her place’s famous dishes were. Idli, dosa, vada. We asked her, “Do you cook sambhar?” We both like sambhar, and actually A. had worked in Chennai for a year and the sambhar recipe both of us use is the one she picked up from a friend there (that friend was also a Bangalorean, not originally from Chennai). “Oh no, sambhar is made by Hindus, Kannada speakers. That isn’t our dish. Muslims make dalcha.” (I actually know some Muslims from Hyderabad and Madras who make sambhar quite regularly, including our neighbors, so I knew this wasn’t true, but may be the case for people in her community).  She didn’t know haleem or nehari by name, but once when I made haleem she said “Oh, we call this khichda. This is baby food for us.”  My delicious haleem was reduced to baby food! Well, I guess it does look kind of like baby food, but anywayz…

Since I am so into food, I have a hard time relating to people who aren’t that into eating and all. That is perfectly fine by me if she cooks for herself and all, and even if she thinks that the food I make is flavorless and gross. As long as she is comfortable and happy. I like her, she has a pleasant personality, is good with children, and tries hard to do a good job. So that’s what counts.

This weekend we went on a little family outing to the same park that we always go to. It is about a 10 minute drive from my house. Usually, I take Toddler D alone to play there in the afternoons. When Baba is home, we go as a group and Baba plays with Toddler D on the playground while I take a brisk exercise walk with Baby A in the stroller. So that was the plan this time. The park is nice, but there are some strange things about it. There is this display of miniature houses from around the world, and some of the houses have very non-PC labels. For example, there is a teepee there called American Red Indian House. Actually, a lot of people I meet over here have no idea about more recent and self-designated nomenclature and they call African Americans “American Negros,” and Indigenous First Nation or Native Americans “Red Indians.” Depending on the speaker, it is usually to differentiate from themselves, the East Indians. Actually, you say Red Indian in Arabic, too.

Another weird point about this park is that even though almost everyone visiting the park is either an Arab or South Asian, there is this giant display of Americana there…a life size village of SMURFS! As in mushroom houses, all of the smurfs taller than me in plaster, and a hook nosed Gargamel, too! The Gargamel is pretty scary, actually.

There is also a tiny enclosure of birds and rabbits that Toddler D likes to see. Plus a a handful of small sized playgrounds, either for toddlers or older children.

That day, I was doing my speed walking in the Smurf village. It is in the dusty sand, but they have made a nice paved trail and put some greenery and benches there. There are even BBQ and picnic spots. So I am pushing the stroller up a hill, thinking happily about all of the calories this up hill push will burn, and when I reach the top of the trail, what do I see? There is this extremely RUDE lady who has laid out a large picnic mat on top of the paved trail. She is fairly obese, and sitting there in a black abaya, a niqaab turned up above her head, and holding a baby boy who looks about the same age as Baby A.

I look at her. She looks at me. She shouts at me in Arabic, “Push your stroller around that way,” pointing me to push my stroller on the sand. It is really hard to push a stroller in soft desert sand. I have done it before. I was wearing sandals, too. I did not want my feet and the bottom of my jeans to get covered in sand! I just stayed silent. I walked towards her and rolled up the picnic mat enough for me to pass, then pushed the stroller to the other side. Then I walked back and unrolled the mat back as it was. She started shouting at me. I was too frazzled to try to be grammatical in my response, s0 I just said in pidgin Arabic “This no good! Oh Kind One, what you think garden only for you? Garden for all the humans, not only just for you!” (If you live over here and you speak pidgin Arabic, you can imagine how that sounded and laugh your head off!)  ”You are an Iranian!?!?,” she asked, the subtext here being that I was a rude Iranian.  She started shouting in Farsi, “Smoopy shmoopy makhonem smoopy shmoopy!” I have no idea what the hell she was saying, as I don’t speak Farsi. She wasn’t an Iranian. I would rather not reveal her nationality, though because when people who actually live here read stuff like this they will always peg the bad behavior on the person’s nationality. Personally, I just peg it on her being a rude idiot! But sorry to any Iranians that I inadvertantly made a foreigner add me to her armory of stereotypes.  If I did speak Farsi I would have said something ironic yet polite like “How can I go around you, Dear Madam, when a flower such as yourself has no front or back?” Anyhoo…

So, I was rather miffed. I was too pissed off to walk in the Smurf village, lest I have to cross her path again. I headed off to walk on the side of the main road. I walked and walked and walked. Somehow I ended up walking farther than I had ever gone before. I was in a completely different part of the park. And subhanallah, it was amazing. All of the sudden, I see horses. And goats. And camels. There was a farm there. There were also several other gardens of various design. There was even a British looking Secret Garden. I was in the English countryside. This place was so spacious and alive. There were young couples walking around, the guys taking “snaps” of their girls. There were more playgrounds and picnic areas. There were even two separate groups who brought musical instruments and were jamming out and dancing. One was a local group of guys playing drums. The other group was these Pakhtoons having some kind of music party. They had a variety of instruments and I don’t know the name of whatever type of music they played, but it sounded very lively. People were singing. There were kids playing imagination games in the gardens. I was in a hidden trail area most of the way, and occasionally some kids would dart across the path. I half expected fairies and gnomes to appear. It was just so beautiful and surreal with all of the greenery and life around me.

Can you imagine that I have been going to that park for 2 years and I had never been to that side before? Subhanallah. And I would never have ventured over there if that rude lady hadn’t been in my typical Smurfy haunt! Isn’t life funny sometimes? I should go and thank her!

1. Mashallah Baby A is doing great. She is extremely smiley and has a great personality. Big Girl D has thus far been very loving with her little sister, although she did give Baby A a whack in the head a few times. But the sibling rivalry hasn’t been as bad as some people had warned me it would be. Big Girl D has gotten use to me being with Baby A most of the time, and if I come into the room without her, she makes a concerned face and says “Where is Baby A?”

2. I sold my car. After a lot of drama with a couple of buyers, finally someone took the darn thing. He was a short little guy with nervous manners. A day after he bought the car, he called and said “Something is wrong with the engine, a light has come on in the dashboard.” My husband asked what the light looked like. “It is in the shape of a petrol pump,” He said. My husband said, “That means you have to put gas in the tank.” Isn’t that crazy? Poor little guy. I shouldn’t laugh, I am a slow person myself. For the longest time, I actually thought the  CD/DVD ROM drive on my laptop was a cup holder. Okay, not really. But I have a lot of slow moments.

3. I have signed up for a cooking class once per week. The instructor gives lessons to a small group of women in her home kitchen. A new group is starting this week. The group decides what type of cuisine they would like to focus on each week. But the instructor has selected the first week’s cuisine: Mexican. She said the dishes she will teach are sour cream, enchiladas, salsa, and fajitas. I am envisioning some bad Indianized Tex-Mex inspired stuff. She said fajitas like this” faadjtaass. I was definately put off by this. Tex-Mex is one of the signature cuisines of my state…and BAH to all food snobs who snub Nortenyo and Tex-Mex.  Tex-Mex and barbacue are home to me. But I have had really atrocious Tex-Mex in Dubai. Depressing Tex-Mex. I am envisioning gobs of gloppy cheese and so forth. Also, I am not sure why she considers sour cream to be a dish. Anyway,  I guess I cook a bunch of Thai stuff and other stuff that I can’t pronounce from various cuisines, and if I think I can cook Thai or whatever, why do I presume that she can’t  cook Tex-Mex? Just because she’s Indian? I need to put my judgements aside and not knock it until I’ve tried it. I am sure she is really good. Let’s see how it goes.

4. My post baby weight loss has been going well, too. I started dieting about 5 weeks ago. It will probably take another 2-3 months before I feel good about my weight because I seem to be going at a rate of about .5 to 1 lb per week. Sigh. Sometimes I look at really lanky skinny guys who could use a little poundage and I wish I could zap my excess weight on them. Too bad I don’t have magic powers.  Anyway,  Inshallah I can keep up the good work.

5. My husband sometimes says weird things—at least they seem weird to me—about when certain foods are appropriate. For example, pakoras are for when it is raining, and never for hot days. He also says stuff like “People eat more in winter, in the summer no one feels like eating.” I told him I think this is desi soch, I have never heard of this before. He was like, no, it is common knowledge. (I feel like eating a lot all of the time, not just in the winter!) I think common American foods had become so processed for such a long time, that aside from some cultural seasonal favorites, we had lost touch with when many foods were in season and what seasonal based eating is like. I don’t know.  I think with the American foodie culture on the rise, and a sort of re-invention of what American cuisine is (death of boxed meat helpers?!?!), perhaps we will revive some of our food/season associations.

6. I’d better stop writing because all I can think about is food. So that’s all for now!

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