Her sudden disappearance from a British school led to an international hunt and a diplomatic row with Pakistan.
And when 12-year-old Molly Campbell turned up in Lahore – 4,000 miles away from the home she shared with her mother on the Isle of Lewis in Scotland – it was feared that her Pakistani father was about to force her into marriage with a man twice her age.
Then Molly went on television insisting that she was happy and had chosen to live as a Muslim. She became Misbah Ahmed Rana and faded from the headlines.
I remember seeing Misbah’s story in the news. I wondered what had happened to her, too. I felt sympathetic towards the non-Muslim British mother based on the way the UK media had portrayed events. It was as if Misbah had been whisked away, brainwashed, and was being forced into a marriage at age 12. I had read the stories about Misbah. I had also read books with a similar theme about other internationally abducted children. (What is the name of the book by the UK woman whose two daughters were force-married in Yemen and one daughter came back? The girls married mountain men and lived under very difficult conditions in rural Yemen.) I had seen Not Without My Daughter. Haven’t we all seen that movie? There is the specter of child-kidnapping for every Western mother who has children with a foreign-born and raised man, especially an Eastern and Muslim man. If you divorce, he will steal your children, we are told by our society. And it does happen. I tried through Google to find the statistics and couldn’t, but I recall reading once that 25% of international child abductions from the US involve a parent from a Muslim majority country.
The latest update on Misbah’s situation gives a clearer and more complex picture of the situation.
I have friends whose stories have similarities to Misbah’s. They are biracial Arab-white American, and since the parents’ divorced, the kids got the mind-@#$%^ of parents constantly fighting and mom leaving anything Islamic and Arab. Even if the mom didn’t become rabidly Islamophobic, there was always the message from mom that dad’s culture was backwards, and if the kids had contact with dad, dad put down mom’s culture and ways. What an assault on a kid’s identity. Many non-Muslim Westerners cannot understand why kids in this situation would actually CHOOSE Islam. (“Why would anyone choose to be backwards and oppressed?”) But some do choose Islam. They are not being treacherous to their mothers. They are simply claiming the identity that they want. I feel the non-Muslim or ex-Muslim mothers have a complete right to leave Islam and to live any way they want. As a religious Muslim, let me make this clear: I believe that there is no compulsion in religion and that anyone has a right to leave Islam and should not be treated punitively by anyone for their personal choices. But everything known about parenting biracial/bicultural kids shows that in these situations, it is extremely damaging for one parent to isolate kids from the Other culture and Other people and especially to give negative messages about the culture. I see great error in Misbah’s mother trying to turn her daughter into “Molly Campbell” and forcing her to put Islam behind her when Misbah had previously been raised as a Muslim child. You cannot suddenly have a new identity forced upon you. As a biracial/bicultural person, you cannot suddenly be told to forget about the other half of your identity just because your mother wants to move on from her ex-husband’s culture and religion. Misbah’s situation represents how often biracial/bicultural children are forced to lay down and act as cultural bridges upon whose backs adults thoughtlessly walk across or even have battles upon.
Something else strikes me in the updated version of Misbah’s tale. She wants to live as a Muslim woman in the UK and not in Pakistan, despite living a very privileged lifestyle in Lahore, because she feels that she will have greater freedom and more autonomy with her life choices as a Muslim woman in the UK. Many Pakistanis as well as non-Muslim British people are perplexed by Misbah’s assertions, but for very different reasons. I see that from some of the comments below the above linked article. There is so much mutual misunderstanding and Misbah has borne the brunt of it on her young shoulders.
I wish the best for Misbah on her life journey. I hope that she finds what she is looking for.
February 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Another fascinating post sis! I remember this case very well, because Misbah’s mother came from a remote tiny Island in the North of rural Scotland! It shook her community, and gave the so-called Pakistani community leaders plenty of bonus points for faking concern and rushing off to Pakistan on the pretext of doing something to help her! All I can say in apology for the article is …, the Daily mail is a trashy paper! It is strangely seen as the highbrow tabloid that those people choose to read who have neither the intelligence nor care to read a broadsheet!
To the issue in question, there is so much I could say about people going in to marriage with their eyes open, about the importance of a shared faith (or at least an understanding of the differences that goes beyond chilly powder), family support, discussions about what will happen when things go wrong: and so on, but we’ve covered all that here before! I think it is important that Misbah speaks out, despite the pressure her situation places upon her, she has the power to change many mindsets and create a catalyst for change in her Scottish community, where religious discrimination can result in families x-communicating dissenters!
I agree with you: there is no compulsion in religion, it is her mother’s right to choose to stay or go, but that’s just the thing: it is her right: a right, she has no right to usurp from her young daughter! I think it also comes down to the dichotomy which exists around equality: i.e., I support your right to say what you want, as long as I agree with it! or, you are entitled to make your own spiritual decisions, so long as I support them and you are over 18! It was too easy for the UK right-wing to dismiss Misbah as a rebellious teenager: I got the same response when I reverted at 15 years old, but then, 15 years later, my family still believe I’ll grow out of it! My husband and I have talked about what would happen if we ever reached a state of no return so to speak! Neither of us really support ‘talaaq, because we’ve both witnessed it on different levels. At worst, we agreed that we’d live separate lives, but wouldn’t divorce and would be there for our kids! As we are both Muslim, there would be no religious complication in particular, but I think this relates to your previous post about identity, in that no parent should take on cultural elements that they would not be prepared to follow through with, because the fragmentation for the kids is simply too much if/when things go wrong! You can choose to pick or discard what you wish, but children cling to that which is secure and comforting. The community also has a major role to play: I think that one of the reasons women end up leaving Islam or the community is because in the end, they find they are forced out! And are seen as the problem, even if the divorce ultimately had nothing to do with them! An interesting area though, definitely the abduction side of things needs more research. Do update with news of Misbah if you hear of any: she has pretty much disappeared from the UK media scene which is a shame!
February 13, 2011 at 5:16 pm
“no parent should take on cultural elements that they would not be prepared to follow through with, because the fragmentation for the kids is simply too much if/when things go wrong! You can choose to pick or discard what you wish, but children cling to that which is secure and comforting.”
Absolutely, Roshni. I feel the same way. It’s interesting to hear about how the situation affects the Scottish community close to home, and particularly to consider it coming from a small island. I was viewing the story as something coming out of the UK and Pakistan and having shockwaves globally (I first followed the story from Dubai).
February 13, 2011 at 3:34 pm
I have just discovered your blog and have read through it today! You are an amazing writer and bring such an amazing perspective to the table. You really should think about penning a book!
I am engaged to be married to a Pakistani-American that left Islam over a decade ago (long before he met me for his own personal reasons).
Of course, these are the types of stories that were emailed and shared with me constantly when we first met by my well meaning friends.
And honestly, I think the media in the west does do a horrible job covering these cases.
However, just as it drives me crazy that complicated custody battles are often turned into opportunities to create more fear of Muslims. I am also deeply concerned by the rush to use the label “Islamaphobic” to the non or former Muslim in these cases.
In reading the whole article it is made clear that Misbah is returning to the UK to live a life that is not possible if she was to live in Pakistan. And the things she mentions like traveling alone without her father and brother and the pressure to marry are things that are, in my experience and understanding, are considered not only things looked on favorably by a certain culture but also are widely considered important elements of an Islamic lifestyle.
She is keeping her faith and also forgoing some of its teachings to achieve her dreams. Go Misbah!
But, look at the other side of the coin. If it was her mother that said that she wanted her minor child to have these freedoms. To know it is ok for a woman to travel alone, for example, and did not want her to be in a country or faith that would place these restrictions on her. Would that be Islamaphobic? I know many would feel it is.
I will only use the phrase “backwards and oppressed” because you used it. But, truly she is making it clear that she is making the choice to return to the UK because of things that both her and her father view as “backwards and oppressed”.
I often struggle to relate to my Muslim friends and family who take full advantage of all of the freedoms they are afforded by the west and then jump to label anyone who questions if these freedoms should be afforded to women back home as Islamaphobic.
And I also wonder what the reaction would be in the Muslim community if the situation had been reversed and a minor child chose to live with her mother and leave Pakistan (somehow) without telling the father.
Sorry to rant! And hope my response was not too negative.
February 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Pakistani cultural restrictions on women are not equivalent to Islam. Yes, some men in Pakistan misuse Islam as a tool to justify forms of oppression. However, that doesn’t mean that the oppression is a de facto part of Islam. Even within the upper class secular circles of the educated elite in Pakistan, women often still face forms of gender inequality. One will meet completely irreligious or anti-religion people in Pakistan, particularly of these monied, educated circles, who still tow the line of tradition when it comes to gender roles and restrictions.
In the UK, Misbah can be Muslim and live in a less gender-restrictive cultural atmosphere. Many Muslims in the West feel the same way as Misbah. I know that I feel that way. And to be sure, most Muslim communities in the West are not free from gender inequality (and certainly Western cultures have not achieved full gender equality either), but we Western Muslims are in a freer atmosphere here to raise our voices against it. There are many faithful, practicing Muslims who are working hard to end gender oppression in Muslim communities, both in the West and within Muslim countries.
You seem to be implying that I have rashly used the term Islamophobia. I see clear Islamophobia and racism in the way that this story became so sensationally reported, especially at the beginning. However, I didn’t actually use the term in that context above.
I do appreciate your comment. Your response was not too negative at all, and thanks for the compliment on my writing. I wish you and your partner the best.
February 14, 2011 at 6:49 am
Salaam,
I am currently in a situation with a hubby from overseas (although now a permanent resident in the US) – that I would like to divorce. We have two small children. My faith was solid when I met my husband but he is one those nit picky types who spent hours criticizing how I practiced my faith daily. Seriously. I am to the point, I just want to walk away. I prayed faithfully and covered and what not before – now I want none of it. Is it all on him? Perhaps no, but when I am told over and over again I am not “enough” whatever- yeah it is probably him.
He has pushed, even when I was first pregnant, to go to his 3rd world African country. I said no because the health care is – you know 3rd world. Then after the kids, he insisted we go because I do not raise them well. Well actually he wants the kids to go and I would stay to work and pay bills so he can send his money home. His mother will gladly raise my children. Do you think if I let my kids go “for a visit to learn his culture”, I will ever see them again?
This isn’t about bogeymen or trashing the Muslims but you know as well as I that a country run by Sharia law (there personal spin on it of course) is not going to help a “bad” woman retrieve her children should his family decide they won’t let them go? They won’t. So this lends me to think it ain’t gonna work.
Yet, then the Islam bashing begins. After my first hubby bailed with his green card (I know, I am such a statistic!) the divorce judge asked if I was still Muslim – I asked him why the question – he replied that he was curious if I had smartened up about Islam after this experience.
Then to my current situation. The only reason I stay is because I don’t want to do court again -to honestly say I don’t want my kids poached and taken overseas or possibly killed (he has said he would kill them if they were “bad” as adults, which starts at 12 for girls you know). Ugh. I am rambling but women need to think critically when marrying someone from overseas and also think critically if they wish to live overseas. I have read many a tale of women losing there children while in Muslim countries. And so many women think so poorly of themselves, often enhanced by browbeating (which I now consider abuse). They will go along with such a plan because they can’t stand up for themselves or have no support.
Five years with my husband, I am completely isolated with zero support where we currently live. My ties to my family are close though, and I know they will help me.
Thanks for letting me air my thoughts.
February 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Salaam sister, It’s really troubling to read what you have gone through. You have my full sympathy and I pray for your success in taking steps toward changing this abusive situation. Can I email you?
February 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Thanks for linking to this article. I remember reading about her sometime ago and good to see this follow up.
February 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Hi luckyFatima,
I think that culture and religion only exacerbate the anger that is felt by divorcing parents.
I am reminded daily that marriage is always a compromise and when one or both parties are not willing to do so, the children usually get stuck in the middle.
the non-muslim blames the religion. the Muslim blames the Western culture and both people (since the culture and religion are so much a part of who they are) are condemned. All of the stereotypes come out and it does make it very difficult for the children.
Do you think that these guys take the children because they really feel that the children would be raised better in their native country; or is there some spite on the men’s behalf and they know that this will hurt the woman.
The hard thing is that each former spouse plays the victim role and they don’t see how their berating the ex-spouse has an effect on their children.
If a woman’s husband and her religion seem to disappear at relatively the same time; then, one had to wonder about the sincerity of the woman to Allah/God.
And, it disappears just when children need that stability and comfort the most! In many cases, it is easier to blame culture and religion instead of taking an inward look into one’s self. and, children need to hold on to some form of routine:
relocating them that far across the world or forbidding them to practice a religion that they did so staunchly before, is damaging on many levels.
I suppose it is different if a man changes from very liberal to very conservative.
But, for example: When i read Carmen BinLaden’s autobiography, i could see the signs before marriage.
Here is a question:
if the wife had a certain request such as:
1. I want to raise my children in the USA
or
2. if there is a divorce, the woman retains physical custody of the children
….
couldn’t she put that in the Nikka nama?
If USA and UK women become Muslim under the age of information, wouldn’t they know all of the laws and regulations of Islam?
February 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm
You know, the thing about clauses in the marriage contract—Islamic literature makes it *sound* like you can put anything in there, and actually you SHOULD be able to. But in reality, women are frequently discouraged from putting stuff in. I have the right to self-initiated (female initiated) divorce in my contract. I don’t know if automatic custody would be allowed in a contract without stipulations such as “if they husband causes the divorce” or some such thing.
The thing about laws and regulations of Islam-there is no one book called Shari’ah to go through and see all the rules. Shari’ah is actually something teased out by interpretation. What is labeled as Shari’ah differs widely from place to place. Divorce laws as well as child custody laws are also very different from country to country. So you can’t read one book and know it all.
I follow my faith because I love God and I love the way Islam teaches me to worship God. But I do not believe in these versions of so-called Shari’ah that were written by elite males maintaining patriarchal culture.
February 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm
All i am really saying is that:
I am American.
My husband is Pakistani.
He is Muslim.
Sometimes we disagree on issues of culture and child rearing.
We have talked about children even though we don’t have any.
Sometimes I find him too conservative and once in a while, too liberal…. …. imagine that!
But, I am in America.
There is no compulsion in Islam and in America, I have the choice.
i have information at my fingertips and can find out anything that i want to about the religion before i accept it as my own.
I know that there are some people who are on the fringes, but there are Muslims of every nationality, here in America.
It should be easier to connect with likeminded brothers and sisters.
Sometimes, as married people, we just need a trusted objective person like a brother/sister/imam/etc to give us some counsel.
Now, I realize that Muslims and mosques are not everywhere: such as small towns in America.
But, if my DH was feeling out of touch with his Muslim brothers and if he felt a desire for more cultural contact, I might suggest moving to a location here in the states that had more of a Muslim/Pakistani cultural influence.
In that way, we both win.
Just my 0.02
February 15, 2011 at 9:29 am
Here is the rub, though. It seems that MisBa’s mother was Muslim and had agreed to raise their child as Muslim. when the relationship failed, she dropped her faith and expected her child to do the same.
the mother seemed to assume that since she wanted freedom from either the husband or the religion, her daughter did, also.
I think that (for the children’s sake) these agreements need to be taken seriously.
if one spouse agrees to raise the child Muslim,
then, this agreement should be held up, as much as possible.
After all, there are lots of different muslims (from liberal to conservative) in the UK. Raising a child “Muslim” there would not be as difficult for a nonmuslim, as it would in a more strict country.
Maybe Misba’s mother claimed and dropped her faith for all the wrong reasons. But, that is the mother’s faith walk.
DH and i had countless discussions about these very subjects before we got married. How can you “NOT” with well meaning family reminding you of Betty Mahmoody and some of our friends and neighbors reminding him that “America is the Worst culture in which to raise children.” We could not avoid it.
…. …. of course, one of us could violate our own verbal agreements set forth.
But, at least we have an agreement.
February 15, 2011 at 9:40 am
So, luckyFatima,
if: for (just hypothetically speaking)
{and i am sure that you have thought about this before because this is not the first post that touches on these issues],
your husband begins to be influenced by Muslims who use the Quran to dominate women in such a way that you feel oppressed and consider leaving…
Let’s even imagine physical abuse….
the point is, you must leave him and there are lots of bad feelings between you two,
do you think that you would have enough support from others (friends, family) who share your faith to not leave Allah as you leave your husband?
I think that in an attempt for the woman to leave the old life behind, the life that has brought her so much pain, she also leaves God with it. She wants “NOTHING” to remind her of her old life and that includes worshipping and religious rituals. She wants to reinvent herself and wants her children to do the same.
April 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm
this message is for misba ahmed rana only if u see this message please contact with us sumaira baji is missing u a lot please call her or contact with me by searching ayesha habib on face book pls pls pls….
April 14, 2011 at 3:17 pm
misbah on facebook u can see my family photo with four persons in it pls pls pls………
August 20, 2011 at 11:18 am
Salaam Alaikum,
I meant to comment on this aaagggess ago, but have only just got round to it.
As you and I both know, a lot of converts are pressured in marriage very soon after converting. Or conversely, some women are pressured into converting after entering into a marriage/relationship with a Muslim man.
Neither situations are very good for building a positive Islamic life and so we are often hearing about women who are divorced (e)(x)-Muslims (I’ve worded that clumsily, but I hope you get my point).
However, while they may be filled with hostility towards their ex husband’s religion and culture, they seem to hope they can just raise the children in line with their new ‘enlightened’ thinking and basically whitewash them. But how can you ignore someone’s ethnic heritage? In the atmosphere of “Well, West is best after all” that often pervades these splits, I feel so sorry for the children.
People really need to sit down and think about what they are getting into before they marry. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t even consider marrying a convert, particularly because of this issue. When I was younger, I would have considered that terribly unfair. Now I totally understand.
Would I as an Muslim Arab/Pakistani/Nigerian/etc man, want to risk having children with someone who however many years down the line would not only decide that the values we agreed on at the start of our marriage weren’t for them, but that my culture and religion were inferior (and that’s putting it mildly, you’ve seen what gets written on some of those blogs) and our children should be kept away from them in favour of Whiteness and usually Atheism/or Christianity.
No.
“Oh no!”, will say some of the mothers now, “I will let them have access to their culture”, i.e they only get a white-approved version of their own heritage.
So in the future, I see many more Misbahs.
P.S What was good about this case, is that contrary to stereotype, Misbah actually had a far more luxurious life then in Scotland. It was good to see the Daily Mail having to print that not all people in Pakistan are poor.
August 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Yes the daily mail is such trash.. anti Islam and anti Pakistan stories are their staple. Sometimes I go on the website to read the comments people leave and it is shocking stuff…Anyway!
I agree with a lot of what has been written above, and the most important point for me is that yes people should discuss these things prior to marriage/children where possible..and STICK to what has been agreed. It’s just not fair on the kids further down the line if the parents divorce or even if they don’t and there is that conflict in their upbringing. What are people thinking..
It’s easy for me to judge I suppose as I don’t have kids but I can say that at least my OH and I have tried to cover all eventualities for when we do. Basically I am a gori marrying a Brit Pakistani and reverting soon. Our kids will always be Muslim, I truly believe this is the right path.
I love this blog Lucky Fatima!
PS. the woman from the UK whose daughters went to Yemen is called Miriam Ali and her book is “Without Mercy”, the daughter who returned is Zana Muhsen author of “Sold”… They are from a town in Birmingham right next to where my OH is from lol. Such an awful story though.
October 12, 2012 at 11:38 pm
I know one of the sisters is married still to the man she was ‘forced’ to marry and is vey happy with that marriage, and happily living in Birmingham, she is a friend of a Yemeni friend of mine, and apparently the story isn’t how it was portrayed in the book(for one she is not living in Yemen anymore). One sister is divorced and living in the uk with a more ‘western’ and non muslim lifestyle and she seems to have preferred her English heritage and that is why she kicked up a fuss and helped her mother lie about much of her’s and her sister’s experiences.
I take these stories with a pinch of salt after knowing this, and after seeing the story of ‘not without my daughter’ from the Iranian father’s side, and with many witnesses who were characters in the movie, actually showing that betty mahmoudy is a liar. I think many women write these books for the money and the fame, and women in particular lap this orientalist xenophobic literature right up! I could easily make so much money tommorow if I decided to leave Islam(aint happening inshallah) and act like an ex-muslim exposing the horrors of being a muslim woman and wife in a new and exciting novel… and I would probably make it to the best sellers list, even if my writing was actually not very good. I have seen it sooo many times that it is just so cliche now.
I agree with others that people need to be straight forward and honest when considering a multi-religious multi-racial marriage, it does take a lot more considerations that people of the same faith and culture don’t have to think as much about when getting married. A shared faith is so much more important then people often realise whilst wearing rose tinted love specticals or thinking with what’s in their pants then what is in their heads. I commend you for deciding that reverting to Islam is really important, just read, learn, listen and be open and understanding, becoming knowlegable about Islam is a life long journey, and a worthwhile one if you are sincere in your efforts and not doing it for the love of a muslim partner, but for the love of Allah(swt). Make sure you learn of your rights as a muslim woman in Islam, in and outside the context of a marriage and being a mother. I had 10 years to do this before I got married, so I was lucky, please do an in depth search, as much as possible andI I wish you and your partner/husband all the best inshallah.
Salam/peace